It always amazes me how a parent can fail to show up to a child’s event one hundred times, and that child still manages to have hope that things may be different next time. Maybe it’s because God just gave children an extra scoop of hope. Or maybe, it’s because we all want to be loved and love can make us do things we can’t even explain.
Things like call a parent faithfully, knowing your calls and voicemails have never been returned. You shrug it off, thinking everyone gets busy, you know? Only to find out later that your calls and messages were deliberately ignored, tossed away like snotty tissues and forgotten.
Should you keep trying to reach out? Or should you accept that you may never really know the other half of yourself?
You decide life’s too short to hold onto negativity--no matter who’s generating it. You made it this far anyways with only one-half of yourself. What’s wrong with going without for at least another four or five decades?
I’ll tell you what’s wrong.
What’s wrong is never truly living because you desperately want to please the other parent in your life. Because let’s face it. That’s exactly what you are--a people pleaser. You fear being different from the person you’ve been molded into. Changing who you are could lead to disappointing the remaining parent in your life, and you don’t want that. You can’t handle that. You can't handle such rejection.
You fear being judged instead of loved. Judging means you’re not understood and just maybe, maybe it indicates something’s wrong with you. Could it be that something really is wrong with you for wanting to believe differently, think differently, and do life differently?
Judging means you are alone and maybe even unloved. You’re not sure you can live knowing this may be true. So, you do your best to conceal your thoughts and questions. You instead become the people pleaser they all want you to be. You mirror their mannerisms and nod quietly in agreement with their thoughts. All the while, you wonder how much longer you can last walking on this bed of glass before it breaks.
All you’ve ever wanted is to be loved unconditionally by them, and to feel like you have their blessing and permission to explore life. To discover who you are and who you are not. What you want, and what you do not want.
The problem is, if you color outside the lines, you may lose ties to both halves of yourself. You tell yourself this is possible considering one-half already bailed on you.
Life is short, but loneliness feels like an eternity. An eternity that kills slowly like carbon monoxide.
Decades go by, and you still yearn for the same things: to be loved and to be free to find yourself. With a heavy heart, you decide this is the year to rip off the band-aid and search for love above and within. You are tired of being a prisoner to your past, and you decide to welcome the unknown.
You cannot control the decisions of others. So you pledge to love yourself unconditionally and to refrain from judging your blemishes.